Thanks so much bubbles! Let me know if I can return the favour. I'll look at my commas now!
Jas
Anorexic egg-timer,
no more sand falls through you.
I stroke your cold waist
and tell you it's thin,
tell you you're perfect,
and I need you, I need you,
but you're set on sulking
(self-pitying fool)
and now my tar nights aren't moving.
In vain, I try to draw a coil
of substance from a dried-ink lake
but nothing flickers, nothing bites
and the moon has fallen in
or thrown her pale self in, morelike,
bobbing flatly on the surface,
arched back making the sky light.
Hecate glides beside my path;
"Lost, my darling, lost, my pet?"
I recoil from her three heads;
one face smiling, one distraught,
one with granite eyes alight.
We both move in circles.
If I had a hook, I would fish out the orb
and hang it back where it belongs,
but it's too dark now,
and poor Strength's worn out.
Thanks so much bubbles! Let me know if I can return the favour. I'll look at my commas now!
Jas
Hi Jasmine,
Here's your review, as requested (sorry I'm a bit late - it's supposed to tell me when people reply in that thread, but apparently it's decided not to o_O).
Overall, I really liked this - it has a very creepy, haunting sort of feel and some wonderful imagery. In all honesty, the only thing I can really critique is the punctuation - it fairly bristles with commas! I've had a look through and I don't see any that are wholly unnecessary, but you might want to play with removing one or two anyway in places where the line break works instead, just so that it isn't so noticeable.
That's being extremely nit-picky, though. Generally speaking, the rhyming is excellent, it flows really well and I really love the idea of an egg-timer as anorexic. Charming. I can't believe this hasn't gotten any reviews - it's quite lovely. Kudos 
Cheers,
~bubbles
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